10 Reasons to Send Your Child to Overnight Summer Camp

Camps are fun. But why are they important? In a world gone tech crazy, sometimes the great outdoors is just that: great. Here are 10 reasons why every child should go to camp.

2. Self-esteem boost-When kids are at camp, they don’t have mom and dad there to help them approach people and make connections. They have to put themselves out there, it teaches the kids confidence when making friends from all over.

Learning how to canoe or developing archery skills also makes a child realize how capable he or she is to learn and grow. According to the American Camp Association, 92 percent of kids who attend camp say that the people at camp helped them feel good about themselves.

3. Attune to nature-Camp gets kids outdoors and enjoying nature. Kids today spend much less time outdoors, causing a “nature deficit” according to many reports and a popular book on the issue, Last Child in the Woods by Richard Louv. But camp reconnects them with nature, seeing things like frogs and trails in person and experiencing swimming in a lake or biking along a path.

4. Develops independence-It’s a great way to encourage self-development and also develop independence. Kids are empowered at camp to take care of themselves, with guidance from camp counselors. Bedtimes are set and schedules are packed, but children still have to get themselves up and ready, make their camp beds and find their way to the mess hall. And kids a little too attached to mom and dad can learn how to trust themselves to make decisions and take care of themselves.

5. Instills leadership skills-It teaches them important leadership skills because camps allow kids to make choices and direct summer projects, they’re natural leadership training places. These kids are less likely to be affected by peer pressure and more likely to set the pace and tone for other kids – and feel empowered in tasks they take on throughout their lives.

6. Gives wonderful memories-Camp builds good memories for the future, to enjoy the summer with a lake-front experience, swimming and meeting new friends. Kids have tons of memories of the good times, silly shenanigans and fun activities. It’s a time of discovery and self-improvement that stays with a kid long into adulthood.

7. Helps them make friends-They get to become lifelong friends with people they don’t necessarily live right next door to.

This offers a unique opportunity for your child to branch out in the buddies he or she has. Navigating and building these friendships over the summer also teaches children how to be more socially confident – something they can take back to school with them in the fall.

8. Gets them active-Camp helps kids learn how to be kids again. In this technology-filled world, camps cut back on distractions. Many effectively ban cell phones and computers, so kids can truly take advantage of all summertime has to offer. That means those prone to sit on their duffs and text or play video games are forced to get up – and get moving!

9. Develop interests-Camps are a nurturing environment for a child to explore activities and programs that could turn into lifelong passions. With so much to do at summer camp (archery, swimming, canoeing, crafts, etc.), there are many fun activities for kids to discover.

That’s why it’s the perfect place for your child to tap into an interest that he or she wants to carry on after camp is over. Did your daughter go ga-ga for horseback riding? Perhaps she’s a budding equestrian who would enjoy regular lessons.

10. Occupies the summer-Most parents work over the summer. After all, when school lets out, kids have to go somewhere to spend their time. Camp isn’t just a “parking spot” for kids, though: It also offers fun, excitement and lessons that last.

Source: MetroParent.com

My “Happy Place” is often the response campers give when we ask them to describe their time at Swift Nature Camp. As the Director, part of my job is to stand back and observe.  What I see from Campers & Staff is smiles, I hear laughter and notice a relaxed atmosphere all of which facilitate camp joy.

We all want happy kids. Meet Dr Martin Seligman who is a new breed of psychologists called Positive Psychologists. They ask not what is wrong with people, but what is right. They research what makes us do well in life and the reasons why some people thrive and find success and happiness in life.

We first have to agree that happiness is internal that can be shown externally or not. So instead of using a one-dimensional definition that’s dependent on momentary emotions and personality traits, Dr. Seligman has developed a more thorough theory of well-being that moves beyond the standard happiness traits.

PERMA  is what Dr. Seligman uses to define his theory and the five measurable elements he has determined lead to well-being. Camp is filled with these PERMA Pillars and maybe thats why SNC is a “Happy Place”.
P: Positive Emotion-Is feeling happy, having positive thoughts about yourself, the people around you, or your surroundings. When someone reports they are feeling content, relaxed, or happy, then they are experiencing positive emotions. At camp, positive emotions are the norm, not the exception. We’re singing; we’re dancing; we’re doing skits that don’t make sense but that cause us to laugh so hard our stomachs hurt. Whether we’re telling jokes and stories around the campfire or just entertaining ourselves talking and hanging out together, positive emotion is literally swirling around camp. You can almost see a haze of happiness and fun surrounding everyone at camp.

E: Engagement-is being  interested in and connected to what they are doing. When you’re engaged in your hobby, book or school, you’re fired up about learning something new and energized by the activity. Camp constantly exposes kids to new experiences and challenges – both recreational and social – that get them interested and excited to learn. They’re pushed to get outside their comfort zone to really engage and succeed. 

R: Relationships-As  Dr. Seligman says“other people are the best antidote to the downs of life and the single most reliable up.” Our life’s relationships – with our parents, our siblings, our friends, our spouses, and our co-workers – are key to our happiness. At camp we see old friends, make new friends, and just spend quality time building connecting with others.  Camp is an oasis that is competition and stress free, built on positive relationship building, often giving campers tools they can take and use at home.

M: Meaning- Comes from “belonging to and serving something you believe is bigger than the self.” A team, religion, family. Cabin life helps kids gain an understanding of how valued they are. Swift shows campers what it means to be a valued and be an accepted member of a community. No camper is invisible, daily  they connect with others, camp promotes integration. Kids learn that they are an important and valued member of their cabin group, and they discover their character strengths through recognition from peers and counselors. Campers learn the power they have by positively impacting others with friendship, gratitude & kindness.



A: Achievement-People flourish when pursuing goals not just mastering a skill. So, while having a great achievement is wonderful, much of flourishing comes from the striving towards the achievement. Ralph Waldo Emerson understood this by explaining, “Life is a journey, not a destination.” Daily at SNC, kids have the opportunity to try new things and master new skills. Simply practicing and working towards improving or challenge themselves to try something new adds to campers self confidence and their flourishing at camp.

We hope that whether your child has been at camp for 1 year or many, you see the positive impact Swift Nature Camp has had on your child. We all want happy kids. PERMA is just one way we can better prepare children for adult life and how we deal with difficult situations when they occur. PERMA is just another skill that SNC provides to its campers and one we hope you can use in your home.

It's summer camp time and your child is excited about the adventure that awaits, however you can help them have a more successful time by having the below conversations. 

Talking About Camp
It's best to start talking about camp early on. This can be stories of your own experiences or of friends and relative. Maybe even a story book about camp. Be sure they are positive experiences, this is not time for Friday the 13th. Then I like to ask "If you were going to camp what activities would you like to do". This question can give you incite to what they are thinking.  Remember, your child may not be ready for overnight camp and that OK. It is important to realize that most campers go to overnight camp between 8-10 years of age. Often this seems young for parents but kids are generally ready if encouraged. It can get harder the older a child gets. A handful of overnight camps like Swift Nature Camp offer a Discovery Camp only for 1st time campers, where additional support is on hand to make the first time camp experience a success.  If your child is really reluctant you might try suggesting a friend or relative would enjoy the adventure as well and go to camp together. This go with a friend can often help a child agree with the whole camp idea.

Find a Camp
This can be fun to hit the internet and look at all the options available. For younger campers it is best to pick 3 or 5 that you feel would be best suited for you and your camper. One of th ebest ways is to talk to the camp director and ask for references. Then spend some time with your camper and go through the choices, looking at each of the activities and camp philosophies that are best for him or her. Remember, websites are meant to sell camp to kids. So it is your responsibility to look at all the parent things like safety, health and hiring, etc.

Sell Camp
Once your camp is selected be sure to talk about it often. Keep selling camp as a positive fun experience. All the friends and excitement. Some things to say include "Sure wish I could go". "Your so lucky". Help to build confidence by focusing on the qualities they have that will make the camp experience easy for them. Of course you don't want to overload future campers with too much information so as a parent pace yourself and bring it up 1 or 2 times a week at most.

We All Love Routines
"Summer amp is filled with routines, Days are scheduled much more than it looks from the outside world" says Jeff Lorenz, Director of Swift Nature Camp. It's best to become familiar with the camp routines and then build some of them in to your child's day. That way you will reduce camp trauma and make it easier to fit into camp life. This can include:  making beds, packing and cleaning up. Personal responsibility is important at camp as well, including: brushing your teeth and getting dressed. At home use meal time as a time to practice trying new foods and helping to cleaning up.

Lights Out
Often one of the hardest parts of camp is after a day of fun is over and we are tucked in our bed and the lights go out. This is when we start to think of home and all that we are missing. To help your child beforehand it is good that they have some experience with sleepovers at friends or relative. Try not to talk with them while they are gone. This is a time to build independence. Falling asleep strategies are important as well, like deep breathing or visualizing himself at a favorite place. Since camp at night can be dark and quiet be sure to help your child be prepared for such a experience. Often a camp flashlight can make campers feel more secure.

Living Communally
One of the biggest part of overnight summer camp is living with a group of people for a few weeks. It is this experience that is at the heart of camp. Most campers say they make better friends at camp than at school. Why because we live together sharing life. Relationships are the heart of every camp experience, Since camp is like a family it is good to revisit some of the ways we deal with people. They have the power to make everyone's experience at camp better by being a supportive member of the team. Prepare your child for a diverse cabin getting along with a wide variety of people is so important.  Help them to make new friends by asking about others' interests and being a good listener.  Friendships at camp often last a lifetime.

Nature
Summer camp involves fun & relationships all in the great outdoors. Help them to appreciate nature and the outside. All the cool things that are outside waiting to be discovered. Help them to also be aware how to be safe outside. This includes, Drinking water, using sunscreen, and bug spray.  Also ask what else they may be afraid of, this will help you ease those fears.

Homesickness is not an illness
Homesickness is not an illness it just means you are loved back home. So don't make your child feel as if this is a sickness it is a normal feeling. Let your child know they may experience it  by feeling lonely or even have a stomachache. Let them know staff are on hand to help so be sure to let them know, they will help and try to get them feeling better as quickly as possible. Jeff Lorenz says "Please parents do not tell your child that you will save them if they are homesick, this only sets them up for failure.  Instead highlight qualities they have that will help them stay the full session,"

Off to Camp
Be sure to pre write letters to your child. That way the first day they will have mail. Your mail should not tell them how lonely it is with out them or how bad you miss them. But instead say a few dull things about home then ask questions about food, friends activities and more. Hopefully you per-addressed some envelopes to ensure a response.

Sharing
Talk and listen is so important in this time leading up to camp. What your child have to say about camp? What are the hopes and fears? What do they say to friends? If the questions or concerns linger have your camper call or email the directors to get an answer. Help your child realize they are not alone and millions of children every summer head off to overnight summer camp. Most have the time of their life and can not wait to return, we at Swift Nature Camp wish the best for you and your family. Parents we know this is not an easy decision, we have sent our child off to another summer camp and cried the day he left  and felt the wonderful experience filled with new friends , fun and opportunities of self-reliance on the day we picked him up. One last thing Summer camp is a reflection of life, it is not Disneyland. Remind yourself and child of this their will be good days and not so good days, but our goal is to have more good than bad.

If you would like more information about Finding the Best Overnight Summer Camp for your child please feel free to call us or email.
Happy Trails Lonnie & Jeff

By Amelia Kinney

Posted on April 24, 2017

The Best Thing You Can Do For Your Kids This Summer? Let Them Be Bored

 

Child psychologists insist that boredom is an enriching experience.

With the rise of screen time and “helicopter parenting”, i.e. hovering, we’ve seen a decline in the good-natured negligence that many of us were raised with during the 80’s and 90’s, which consisted of “go outside and play, now.” Parents nowadays feel pressured to turn their children into productive little performers, by filling their time with camps, sports, lessons and play dates. And while there are advantages too, say, learning to play the piano, researchers insist that the absence of planned activities is also an enriching experience. The best thing you can do for your kids this summer? Let them be bored.

“Your role as a parent is to prepare children to take their place in society. Being an adult means occupying yourself and filling up your leisure time in a way that will make you happy,” explains Lyn Fry, child psychologist, “If parents spend all their time filling up their child’s spare time, then the child’s never going to learn to do this for themselves.”

For the same reason that mindfulness has spread like wildfire among the wellness community, children also need to learn strategies to contend with the fast-paced, virtually-ruled nature of modern society. We also know, as adults, that being stripped of our televisions, iPads, and obligations are bound to offer a refreshing perspective and force us to interact with our surroundings in a new and different way.

Certainly, it is tempting, and perhaps we have been conditioned to feel that being bored is a waste of time. Not so— idleness is integral to allow our imaginations to grow. Dr. Teresa Belton, a visiting fellow at the University of East Anglia told the BBC that boredom is crucial for humans to develop “internal stimulus,” which, in turn, cultivates true creativity.

“There’s no problem with being bored,” says Fry. “It’s not a sin, is it? I think children need to learn how to be bored in order to motivate themselves to get things done. Being bored is a way to make children self-reliant.” Another way this helps kids is by eliminating the cycle of seeking validation for every little thing they do. Throwing out expectations is a tool to help kids truly know themselves and their preferences, and become more individually confident.

This summer, take away the screens and let kids simply do their own thing, such as playing with their toys in their room or outside in the yard. Experts also encourage writing a list of activities with children, including basic past times such as riding a bike, playing cards, drawing with sidewalk chalk, painting or reading a book. When your children approach you complaining of being bored, remind them to refer to the list. They’ll thank you later.

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Enjoy a Summer Camp In the USA

Now is the time to Commit! You have heard about all the benefits Overnight Summer Camp can provide a child.  Still, it seems a strange concept to send your child away to Swift Nature Camp and in other people's care. Yet time and time again, parents see that their child returns home different (better) than before he or she left. How can this be? What is this Camp Magic?

As a parent, these are the questions that went through my head as I sent my child to a different overnight summer camp. Does sending my kid away mean I do not love them? Does it mean I am selfish? Does it mean I am a BAD parent?

Actually sending your child to Overnight summer camp means none of these things. Often parents need to hear again all the benefits of summer camp, here are a few:

9. Kids are active – These days a child's life is sedentary in school, online and inside. Every moment at camp is filled with motion, from play to learning or even walking to the bathroom.

8. Experience successes – Camp's main goal is to build kids up. So at SNC we find what kids can succeed and that helps them feel more confident.

7. Gain resiliency – Life is filled with setbacks. At camp setbacks can be handled in a positive way. For instance, a group may have a difficult canoe trip, yet together they persevered and made it. Knowing you can make it is an amazing lesson.

6. Unplug – Technology has taken over our life. No time in history have children been so connected to it. In the old days kids watched TV for 2-3 hours a day now a screen is watched 7-9 hrs a day. Get back to real connections.

5. Independent – This day and age kids are scheduled most of the day. Camp gives children the ability to make choices for themselves. A skill needed in life. Wrong decisions can be gently handled and right decisions applauded by peers and non parental units.

4. Play – In nature animals learn by play. We all love watching the wolf pups play, but they are really getting ready for life. Same is true with children, they learn by having unorganized free play. Something that was a staple in kids growing up in the past. Camp still provides this in a safe, child friendly atmosphere.

3. Social skills – Living in a communal setting, like camp, provides amazing opportunities for children to learn personal skills like, empathy, resolving disagreements, teamwork and healthy communication.

2. Enjoy nature – Kids lives have become an indoor life. Nature is missing and all the research shows this is having a negative effect on today's kids. Higher stress, obesity and insecurity. Nature supports healthy child development and enriches kid’s perception of the world.

1. Friendships–Swift Nature Camp has only one mission to help children be their best. We do this in a fun and supportive way. By building friendships with people that truly care. we help child make better friends. Campers will tell you their best friends are at camp. Why? When you live with people, you learn to accept them, you build tolerance and over time your difference become bonds.  The result is a summer family.

So as you are thinking about the adventure your child will be on this summer, don't rule out the Northwoods of Wisconsin and Swift Nature Camp.

Every summer millions of children go to overnight summer camp. But Why? Oh sure, some parents just need day care. But the vast majority of parents that are thinking about sending their child to overnight summer camp, do not take this responsibility lightly. They do their research by: going to camp fairs, talking to friends, taking camp tours and chatting with references. Why do all this? Because when you select the right Overnight Summer Camp for your child, it will be a life changer and an experience they will want to repeat summer after summer. Maybe thats why children from all around the world come to USA Summer Camps

So how does summer camp change kids lives? Not every camp is the same, so I can only speak about our overnight summer camp. Swift Nature Camp is located in the Northwoods of Wisconsin. We cater to children 6–15, with a leadership program for our 16 & 17 year old campers. Our small camp blends old-fashioned camp activities on land and water, with environmental and nature learning. Plus we have a camp zoo, where children who love animals can even adopt one while they are at camp.

Here are ways that children’s lives are changed because of camp:

1) Great Staff- When you get young people who are dedicated to kids full time, your child feels it. Camp counselors have boundless energy and enthusiasm- something parents often loose as they get older. It’s like having the best big sister or brother in the world who really cares about you. They want you to be your best. So children look up to these counselors and since they are role modeling positive values, your child will pick those up and bring them home.

2) Communal Living- Yes, your child will be living in a cabin with 5–8 other children of their own age, building new friendships and developing strong new social circles. For most children this is a new experience. When you live with others, you have to be a little less worried about yourself and be thinking more about others. That is part of the natural progression of kids from self to others. Camp pushes them a little further along this road.

3) Nature-This day and age we live our lives inside. There is a big beautiful world out there that children should learn about and they should not be afraid of. All of science is saying, humans need to be connected to their environment, enjoy the beauty of the simple things in life. That’s why at SNC, we often take our kids to the lake to quietly enjoy a sunset.

4) Independence- Today we have so many types of parents, and often we see loving parents that hold their children back, not intentionally. But, sometimes they just don’t see that kids need and want to get out on their own, make decisions on their own and try new things. A Nature Camp is a safe place to try things, make mistakes and move on. This is all part of growing up and camp is the safe and supervised place this takes place.

5) Play is an amazing tool. It helps children get exercise, loose weight and feel better. More important, Free Play can help children resolve conflict, problem solve and be creative. Daily, at camp have 1.5 hours dedicated to free play, where campers can do the activities they want to do. This is like the old days, when children could just go outside and play.

One thing we hear from parents every summer is “I wish I would have sent my child to Swift Nature Camp sooner” you see, childhood is a once-off thing. Too soon it’s over, and you can’t reclaim the years, but you can look back on incredible memories. That’s why summer camp is so important — it’s a fun, positive experience where children can simply be children and have the time of their lives. Overnight summer camp is a vital part of a child’s personal growth and development

It’s the small size and attention to detail that makes camp so successful at promote each child’s personal development. Sending your child to Swift Nature Camp is a gift, one your child will cherish for the rest of their life. Maybe that’s why 92% of our campers want to return each summer to this Wisconsin Summer Camp.

So you have done all your homework, You have been planting the seeds with your new camper. You have talked about camp, done a sleepover and looked at websites. You have even taken an assessment of your child's needs and wants,  and you tried to match those with the proper summer camp. For instance our Nature Camp is the best for those kids who still like being outside and off the screen. So now you have picked the Right Camp- the mission meets yours and the dates work. Often, parents think all they have to do is now pay a deposit and they are off to camp. As an Overnight Summer Camp Director, I suggest you scour the website to answer the below questions or email to get the answers, ya might even do that crazy thing and pick up a phone and call. Not all camps are equal. A side note, as a camp director it is some what terrifying to me how few parents these days call to talk to a Camp Director. Most just see a few pretty picture and they are good to go. Not the best decision. Mu goal is not to scare you but, here are things to think about.

•  

• *What is the camper to counselor ratio for the majority of the day? How many staff total at camp? What are the ages of Counselors?
  

• *How do they handle supervision of children, discipline issues? What is the discipline policy? When do they send a camper home?
  

• *What age groups will be combined together? Do younger children mixed with older children? How are activities different for different ages?
  

• *What is the schedule for the program, what will they be doing each day? What is planned or free choice? How much non-active time?
  

• *What are the  qualifications of the Counselors? What about training. Do they have First Aid and CPR?

• *Are staff  up-to-date on criminal background checks?

• *What is the policy for handling injuries and illness?  Who is at camp to give care?
  

• *Do the campers go swimming or near water? Do campers take swim proficiency tests? Are there a lifeguards on duty?
  

• *What insurance does the program carry? Do they have liability insurance?

• ,
• These are all great things to think about. at Swift Nature Camp we have a Summer Camp Parent Answer Page that helps parents make a very informed decision. We believe we want you to have too much information so you KNOW you made the right decision.

• Parents & Campers,
• When selecting a summer camp it is import that you pick the right summer camp for you. Sure all camps have fancy summer camp websites, but often you may have particular questions you you want to ask in person, Summer Camp Opportunity Fairs (Camp Expos) offer just such an chance. Below is a list camp fairs we will be attending in Wisconsin and Illinois. . So f you want to learn more about camp come see us or if you are an alumni please stop by and say "HI". We are always happy to talk about camp.

•  

  SUMMER CAMP EXPO- SUMMER CAMP FAIR
  PLACES TO FIND SWIFT NATURE CAMP THIS SPRING
  

FEBRUARY 7th,
Summer Recreation Open House, York Community High School, Elmhurst, IL, 6pm to 8pm

• FEBRUARY 13th,
  Fox Vally Summer Activities Fair, Wredling Middle School, 1200 Dunham Rd., St. Charles, IL, 6pm to 8pm
  
  
• FEBRUARY 25th,
  CampExpo at Sunset Ridge School 525 Sunset Ridge Northfield Il.  10am to 2pm
  
  
• FEBRUARY 25th,
  Minnesota Parent Camp Fair, Como Zoo & Conservatory, St. Paul, MN, 10am to 2pm (will not attend but will have brochures there)
  
  
• MARCH 6th,
  Stratford Middle School Summer Activities Fair, Stratford Middle School, Bloomingdale, IL, 6pm-8pm
  
  
• MARCH 9th,
  District 181 Summer Camp Expo, Clarendon Hills Prospect School, 100 N. Prospect Ave., Clarendon Hills, IL, 6pm-8:30pm
  
  
• MARCH 13th,
  STAGE 203 Summer Activities Fair, Kennedy Junior High School, Lisle, IL, 6pm to 8pm
  
  
• MARCH 21st,
  Indian Prairie Summer Activities Fair, Still Middles School, 787 Meadowridge Dr., Aurora, IL, 6pm to 8pm
  

As parents we always want to try raise the best kids and often I wonder cano I raise a child that is successful and caring? The research seems to show they parents need to start by looking  at the mixed messages we send. 

If you were asked to rank in order of importance academic achievement, happiness, and care for others as priorities for our young people today, how would you respond?

If you’re like most parents and teachers in the U.S., you would place the highest importance on care for others—a very worthy choice and one that science suggests can actually increase the other two outcomes. 

 

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Yet, a recent U.S. survey of 10,000 middle and high school students conducted by Harvard’s Making Caring Common Project revealed that students believe their parents and teachers prioritize academic achievement and happiness over caring. 

In other words, students are receiving the message from adults that personal success is more important than concern for others. With that being the case, it becomes easier to understand why cheating is rampant among students.

This is a wake-up call for us adults. Even though we may view ourselves as very caring people, and think we’re promoting this value to our young ones, somewhere there’s a disconnect that we need to remedy—and the not-so-easy answer lies within ourselves.

The complexity of care

If getting adults to “walk the talk” of care was as easy as reminding them that they need to do so, then our problem would be solved. But care is very complex, impacted by things such as cultural beliefs and attachment security, and making it a priority in our and our children’s lives sometimes requires us to deeply introspect on how care manifests or not in daily life. 

For example, in a game called “Compassion Continuum” designed by compassion-expert Brooke Dodson-Lavelle, adult participants are asked how much compassion they would feel for their child who gave a speech in school and failed. Most people respond that they would feel a lot of compassion. Then they are asked how much compassion they would feel for another child who had given a speech and failed, but who had also bullied the participant’s own child. As you can imagine, the responses are all over the board—a perfect example of how caring for others is not always black and white and perhaps one reason why our youth, who are equipped with hyper-sensitive radar for hypocrisy, are getting mixed messages from adults.

Ultimately, our view of care is wrapped up in who we are—it’s part of our identity. And, according to Harvard professor and adult development expert Robert Kegan, changing part of one’s identity requires transformation at our deepest core. While the process is neither fast nor easy, it can yield great rewards.

Changing our view of care

After decades of research and practice in adult learning, Kegan posits that in order to truly change, we have to become aware of our unconscious emotions, habits, and beliefs that run our lives so that we can instead reflect on these internal constructs and change them if necessary. 

But this unearthing process can elicit anxiety. For example, many parents and teachers know something has to change with the staggering pressure our students are under to succeed academically, particularly as this pressure is leading to an increase in mental illness. 

Need more ideas on how to cultivate caring children?

Click here for a downloadable, reader-friendly list of research-based suggestions from Harvard's Making Caring Common Project.

However, the thought of having to change our beliefs about success fills many of us with anxiety because it would require us to consider our own identity around success. A parent who is concerned about the academic pressure on his or her child may be forced to examine the belief that getting into a top university will lead to a materially successful life. Upon deeper self-examination, the parent may be surprised to find that this belief is supported by other beliefs such as a materially successful life is the only way a child will be secure and happy in this world. And if a child is not secure and happy, then the parent has potentially failed in his or her parental responsibility. 

The depth of this kind of reflection may be too threatening for many of us. Thus, we unconsciously manage this anxiety by continuing on with status quo. And, hence, our children might get the message that success is more important to us than care.

So how do we start aligning our priority of care with our actions? The process that Kegan and co-author Lisa Lahey outline in their book Immunity to Change is a multi-step approach, the explanation of which would require more room than I have in this blog. However, I can offer these few suggestions based on their work:

1. Start by reflecting on the care you give and receive in your life—or lack thereof—in order to bring to conscious awareness how much care impacts you. Examine how you care for yourself and how you and your loved ones—including your pets—care for each other. Then expand this view to include the care between you and a stranger on the street, the grocery clerk, and/or a difficult work colleague. Now broaden your view of care to examine care at a societal level, from business practices to childcare options to equity to gender roles to political systems.

Did you find yourself getting emotional at any point in this reflection? For example, did a situation that lacks care make you feel angry or scared or sad? If so, why? Kegan and Lahey state that underlying every challenging situation or behavior is an “emotional ecology” that we must explore in order to understand where our potential limitations lie, and their book outlines a very specific and in-depth process to do so. Only when these limitations that have been driving our actions without us realizing it are brought to conscious awareness can we start to change them.

And once you’ve identified these limiting behaviors, Kegan suggests that instead of trying to defend them, admit them with all “their embarrassing glory”. I would also recommend practicing self-compassion, realizing, as self-compassion expert Kristin Neff posits, that you’re not alone. All of humanity struggles with challenging internal constructs. 

2. Ask yourself if there is enough at stake to warrant a change. According to Kegan and Lahey, the process of transformation at this depth can be very challenging, so we have to be sure that we’re willing to try. They have found that people are motivated to change for several reasons, including: if they don’t change, something or someone they love will be harmed; not reaching a goal has become impossible to live with; or there is “deep discrepancy” within themselves.

For instance, a teacher or parent who learns that at the root of a child’s anxiety and panic is the child’s belief that he or she is loved and accepted only when academically successful may be motivated to make some radical changes in his or her own behavior and beliefs.

3. Test out new ways of being. Once you have identified a core limitation, then Kegan and Lahey recommend trying another mode of behavior that acts against this limitation. For example, if you responded with anger to a bullying situation similar to the one described above—anger that was perhaps motivated by your own experience of being bullied—you might try acting compassionately towards the bully and see what happens. If you notice a positive change, then keep doing it.

The reward for all this inner work, according to Kegan and Lahey, is a release from the anxiety caused by the denial of our unconscious emotions, beliefs, and habits. “You [will be able to] scan the world,” write the authors, “for more promising possibilities and bring to your own living a deep restfulness that you may never before have known.” 

By examining and shifting our beliefs and practices of care, we may find that our relationships with ourselves, our loved ones, our colleagues, strangers on the street, and perhaps the rest of the world are transformed into something we could never have imagined—and we may become more successful and happier as a result.

Martin Luther King, Jr. once said, “True compassion is more than flinging a coin to a begger; it comes to see that an edifice which produces beggars needs restructuring.” And I would add that part of that restructuring includes ourselves.